Worst Commencement Speech Advice Ever

Another year of high school commencement ceremonies cometh and goeth, and againth I was not asked to speak at any of them.

Graduates, count your blessings.

I say this because, unlike the school benefactors and politicians whose words you didn't pay attention to because of your preoccupation in learning the whereabouts of the nearest keg party, I would have brought to your lectern one vital thing: experience. (And also the knowledge that it's a lectern and NOT a podium, but that's another speech.)

Green, Green Lawns of the Uncool Home

Is anything as inseparable as a dad and his lawn?

Maybe a dad and his grill.

Or a dad and his beer.

Definitively a dad and that pair of underwear from 15 years ago with the air-conditioned crotch that’s just too dang comfy to toss.

But let’s get back to lawns and #LawnGoals because that is what the good people at Cub Cadet are paying me to write about here.

Old Buzzard Devours Sweet Bird of Youth

My friends, go mark your calendars: My farewell tour starts tomorrow.

I’m not going anywhere. That's obvious by the fact that after all the years and all the awards won writing this junk that I’m now making less money than I was when I started this venture. (I have a degree in journalism, people, not personal finance.) Instead, I am embarking on a year-long goodbye to my youth because, about this time next year, I turn 50.